After a lot more messing about with it I finally found out what fixed this issue. I'll post it here so that others who might try to do this won't have this hurdle to combat.
extension_dir's path at first was "php\ext" as php.exe wasn't liking that I changed it to ext, which php.exe liked but apache...not so much.
After a long while I changed the path to extension_dir = ".\php\ext" and as if the gate of heaven opened... it functioned. Fully and completely without even one error.
So now I have a modified USBWebserver running:
- PHP 7.1.9
- Apache 2.4.27
- PHPMyAdmin 126.96.36.199
- MySQL 5.6.13
Fully portable, fully fuctional. I hope this little tid bit of info helps someone else some day and if some people want the program, ask and I will make a download link and edit it into my original post any this answer.